Thoughts at 3:37 a.m.
It’s 3:37am. I woke up full of thoughts and couldn’t keep myself still. Yet my eyes are so tired everything is blurry and my head keeps drooping while I stop to take breaks from a torrent of thoughts rushing out of my fingertips. I cannot keep up with all of the feelings, emotions and thoughts I want to write. I am frustrated at the inability to make my body work fast and long enough to get this flood of emotions out onto paper. All I can do is simply write with my sleepy hands and slow-blinking eyes and be human. Write down what I can and just allow what remains to reside inside of me.
***
He is a foundation for my heart. A place to build and a place to rest: home. I have never felt so free to be myself and shine my light outwards. At times I have felt like I should hide the intensity of my beams. Or as though my beams had shorted out. Faded away. Broken and ruined from the storms.
I felt this happen – the fading. Like an old flashlight you shake to see if the batteries are dead, I wondered if there was any new source of energy for me to recharge.
But he is like a sacred healer and keeper. Mending and tending to my spirit and my heart. Recharging me, filling me with current and potential energy.
His soft hair smells of spices and memories. The lines by his eyes are joy and beauty and proof of the tangible and temporary beauties of this world that leave their traces upon us and I wonder, if any of those lines have my name.
His hands are full of caresses that chase away the monsters and protect me from myself and my self doubt. Yes, I have self doubt. It creeps in like a virus and slowly infects and before you realize it you are weak and feverish.
I take his tonic – his reassurances, his kisses, his petting and soft spoken words of wisdom. The medicine rushes to all of the parts of my injured soul. And I am whole again.
Somehow things are less scary when he is there. And his calm and his strength is quiet and deep, like a mighty tree. A place I can lean and rest and find shelter and shade. But also alive and beautiful, full of color and texture and life-force.
There is no jealousy. No fear. Only trust and love. Our love is a solid place to put a pile of bricks and make them into something sturdy, beautiful and long-lasting. We will both live in this place and love as long as we are able.
Dancing Butterfly
She is like a butterfly– wild, beautiful, curious, and unplanned. She alights upon my cheek and I bask in her presence. It is a moment I can admire her fragile and bountiful existence, and then she is gone.
I think of her this way. How lucky I am when her grace us upon me. When I can bounce her from finger to nose and she lifts and lands, flits and rests and I am a part of her world and she is part of mine.
Then she flies away, dancing on the breeze, off to some unknown place, where she will rest and share her beauty. And I smile thinking of the joy that may bring her; and others. And though I wonder how she is and miss her when she is gone, I know that she will return when she is ready. Because nobody owns her, not even this earth. Not the wind. Not the skies or the flowers. She comes and goes like warm summer breezes and makes you believe in the miracles of this world, like rainbows and the aurora borealis– full of color and excitement, but elusive and fragile.
I will see her again, in the soft pink glow of a setting sun, bouncing and flitting on the air and returning to me for a while. And that is a gift I am glad to receive.
Almost Haiku
Though this poem is seventeen syllables, it’s not really a haiku. But I wanted to try out limiting my syllables and make the poem tight and, of course, heartfelt. I sometimes go on and on in poems, but for this one, I wanted simplicity.
Beholding Wonder
May 7, 2010
As I watch you grow
My tiny bird
You are a wonder to behold…
Tiny Bird
Tiny Bird
By Heather Bartlett
May 5, 2010
I observed your beautiful, unclothed body for hours
Caressing each glowing curve with my eyes
Then, my hands
As an artist
then, a hopeful lover
Wanting to understand your flesh
And find your pleasure
And bring it to you.
The light of day, a distant memory
And soon again rising
You confessed, “I’m tired.”
I smiled and said, “That’s o.k.”
And you leaned forward
In the candlelight
Wisps of hair swayed across your forehead as you bent
Gifting me an unexpected kiss
On the tender flesh
Near the hollow on the inside of my elbow
And in that moment
You let down your guard
And I saw you.
You.
Your naked spirit – in just that brief moment
A tiny bird, which hides among the limbs
There you were, perched upon my branch
And I wanted to hold you
And pet your soft downy feathers
Until you found rest
On my breast
Near my heart
Which has a dream
of healing yours.
So Many Muses
I have had such an artistic rush of energy lately.
My husband has moved on and I am moving on. Things are changing in my heart and I feel stronger all of the time. I have been organizing like crazy, getting the studio sorted out.
It has recently been suggested to me I should make some of my clay work a bit smaller and turn them into brooches – which I think sounds pretty darn cool!
I have paintings and drawings I am working on. A new project related to some small bells – I will surprise you later with that one! I am still working on snow photos, faerie photos and yoni paintings. Oh, and I may start doing some of my old ebony pencil style works! Oh, and the recipe box I made for my daughter – I think I have to make some more. I love it so much! Goodness! There is so much I want to do, I need Vishnu to loan me a few hands! Actually – it’s just stuff I love doing and I can’t wait to share it with you.
Stronger Woman In Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_8VEnr5rds
I couldn’t embed the video. You should go watch it.
Jewel – Stronger Woman in Me
I guess you could say I’m one of those girls
That’s always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it’s better than crying
I’m worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I’m not welcome here
Just when he’s hungry or frisky
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean
But not tonight
‘Cause come the morning light, oh
I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
The stronger woman in me
I’m going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again, never, no,
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me
Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I’ve lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings
Well tonight, I’m going to be
The kind of woman I’d want my daughter to be, oh
I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
There’s a stronger woman in me
I’m gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won’t lose myself again, never, no
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman,
A stronger woman
This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I’m going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There’s a stronger woman in me
I’m going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won’t lose myself again, never, no
‘Cause there’s a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There’s a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,
Feelings Are Reality
“Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler. ” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
***
Aragorn: I swore to protect you.
Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?
(from LOTR)
***
In the arguments for my own boundaries and rights this past year I was presented with a maddening and stupid philosophy: Feelings aren’t reality, Heather.
This lone philosophy has both intrigued me and has made me so, well…irritated, that I proposed it during conversations to get the reactions of others. And it goes a little somethin’ like this:
Me: I have to tell you this because I simply don’t understand it. I need to know your opinion: “Feelings aren’t reality.”
Other Person: (wide eyes – blink, blink)
Me: (eyebrows raise a little)
Other Person: (furrow brow slightly) pause (shudder)
Me: I know, right? (shudder)
Something about that philosophy really gets to people. Also, nobody who I have spoken to about it can explain to me what it means. They often start out with: “Well, maybe it means…um, well no I don’t see how….” and other such struggles to identify how feelings aren’t reality.
What further elevated my irritation at this impotent bit of pop psychology is that the people saying it to to me had turned a world – make that several worlds – upside down, disrupted a life and family based on THEIR feelings. So, I doubt that not only will I never understand this particular bit of erm…”wisdom”, but I don’t believe those who are espousing this philosophy have any clue the violent impact their “feelings” have had on the reality of the lives around them. Or rather, they choose to scrape for a philosophy that absolves them of their infliction of pain on others. If the feelings aren’t real, then the infliction of hurt can’t be THEIR fault. How convenient.
If feelings aren’t reality, then why am I writing about them? If they weren’t real, could I even write about them?
Sure, I Googled it! But I get a lot of the same, “Just because you think you suck right now, doesn’t mean you do…” sort of “depression” discussions. But I will tell you this – even THOSE feelings are reality. If you are feeling like you suck and you are nothing and it makes you sit on the couch all day watching infomercials and not painting or writing or building houses because you feel like you can’t – YOU CAN’T. Your feelings ARE making your reality. But a few people say “buck up” and you maybe get on some meds or just decide, “YES I CAN” then your feelings make your butt get up and make things happen and guess, what you can do it suddenly. How is THAT *not* reality?
So, even of the people who buy this shi– er, STUFF, they don’t really look at it for what it is – feelings MAKE our reality.
If I had all good and warm and fuzzy feelings at the moment, I wouldn’t feel the need to write about this, or ask questions about it. I would simply just wash dishes, do laundry, paint a shoe maybe and move on. It may be impossible for me to ever really “get” this concept about feelings not being reality. Do YOU get it?
My next blog is going to be a positive one. My FEELINGS are that I have blogged a bit of negative, next I will tell you about my awesome birthday and trip to New York. And my FEELINGS about those trips.
Peace!
Snow Angels, Pin-Ups, Boudoir Art Portraits
Heather the Pink Snow Angel
I am trying out a new style of watermark. Do you see it there on her shoulder? It’s difficult to come up with a watermark that protects the image without interfering with it too much. Prints will not have the watermark.
If you are interested in purchasing a signed print (all images are approximately 7 or 8×10″ – just depends on how I decide to edit it) contact me at goddess (at) allzah (dot) com. Or you can phone me at 301-638-1072.
These are only two I’ve had a chance to work on from the snow shoot. There are many more to come and the Amy images and Amber images are for sale as well – signed by me.
Printed on high quality photo paper with photo inks for lasting colorfastness. Prints are $49 each plus $5 shipping.
You can pay me via Paypal or check if you are mailing it – cash if you can hand it to me as I do not recommend mailing cash.
** Don’t forget — if you hire me for a private session your images are fully confidential. These models participated in photography events and agreed to and wanted to have their images shared. All private sessions are confidential.
Natalie Snow Angel Maiden Goddess
I have many more snow angels to work on, so check back next week for more! There were several beautiful ladies that came out to have their photos taken that day. I am lucky to know such amazing spirits! I wish I’d had time to do one of each of them. There is a particularly good one of one of the Snow Angels making a Snow Angel that is so full of life and energy! Can’t wait to get them up for you to see!
Below are more Amy and Amber images. They have the older style of watermark. I am still not sure which I prefer.
Amy Classic Pin-Up
Amy Glowing
Amy's Cheery Cherry Blossoms
Amy Missing Her Sailor Boy
Amber's Mischief
Amber Channeling James Dean
Amber Utilizing Utilities
Amber of Shadow and Light
Amber USMC Cheesecake "Recruitment Poster" II
Boudoir Photos & Erotica Portraits
I enjoy boudoir and erotica photography. I love to honor women and find their goddessy self. One of the things I most want to do is make every woman feel beautiful, sexy and desireable. In my opinion, it’s a vital part of being a woman.
I plan on selling prints of some of my erotica in the very near future and hope you will find the beauty in each subject who has ventured into this bit of my realm…and yours.
Also, I offer boudoir photography as a service. You could have your own boudior photos taken as a gift for somebody, or simply for yourself to celebrate the wonderful goddessy YOU!
Photos from private sessions are confidental unless approved for release by the client. No worries!
This is Amy, and there is more of her to come.
More Fairy Fun
I am having a lot of fun with my fairy photos and my fairytale storybook classics.
Last year was rough for me, emotionally. It’s nice to be bringing some of the magic and wonder back into my world. It’s also nice to remember, and be reminded by those who love and appreciate me, that I have something to offer.
Here is another image of Kyle. I did her senior portraits. You need only look a few blog posts back to see a few of them. I also have used a couple of photos from that session to turn into fairy portraits.
I hope to have a very busy little studio this year. Call me.
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving me a note. I will...